The world is a vapid waste land. Barren and lifeless, deserts cover much of its surface, devoid of vegetation and life. Volcano’s rage constantly spewing forth magma and noxious gases. The magma scars the landscape while the fumes poison the air, and filter into the ground. The soil is toxic, unable to support plant matter. Many plants have rotted away and trees, unable to take root have simply toppled over, their roots exposed to the air. The sky is covered by vast, dense, demonic clouds preventing light from entering the atmosphere. Day and night have lost all meaning. The oceans and waterways are dry, absent of water. Rivers are arid trenches, and what were oceans are massive canyons with the aquatic liquid long since evaporated by the intense heat. The ever-present volcano activity fuels seismic activity, earthquakes opening massive fissures, gashing the earths surface.
Somewhere in this harsh world is a mountain. On its peak lies a solitary egg placed there by its parents who have long since perished. In this unhallowed environment this single egg has endured, surviving the inferno that surrounds it.
In this world a storm has unleashed itself. Thunder ripples through the clouds, lightning strikes the brittle ground, cracking it. The storm has grown in size and is now raging directly above the egg. A bolt spirals down from the sky, fizzing through the clouds. The bolt strikes the egg. Yet the egg remains intact, seemingly unharmed by the electrical surge. The egg begins to move, shaking from side to side as waves of electricity course through it, rippling on its surface. The egg begins to crack, the shell fracturing and fragmenting.
What the egg reveals is not a bird but a ball of electricity. Mere inches in length and diameter it begins to flash, pulsating with energy. Beams begin to fork from it, arcing in the darkness. Bolts of electricity shoot from the bottom of the ball. They bounce back up into the ball. This process continues until the beams begin to fuse, becoming two legs. Beams surge from the bases of the legs, forming into talons, becoming feet.Each foot has three talons. With a firm base, the ball of electricity begin to elongate, the bottom end transforming into tail feathers. Still made of electrical current, the ball is now turning into something else and its pulses are growing ever quicker and it begins to flash brighter. Out of the electrical mass unfold two wings, effulgent in the darkness. They stretch out, electricity discharging from them. The miniature electrical entity begins to grow and expand. Drawing energy from the storm and the electrical current that is cackling in the air the pure energy being increases in size at an exponential rate. Eventually the growth rate slows, then halts.
Flapping its wings, the entity is massive in size, hundreds of metres in size. Its colossal visage lights up the darkened sky, its electrical form standing out from the drab and barren world. Standing on its mountain perch, its head unfolds from the mass, rising to the sky. It has feathers that resemble a headdress, cackling with primeval energy. Its beak is huge and decurved, its sharpened edge strong enough to carve through mountains.The storm has halted, all of its energy drained by the bird. The growth process is complete. Its stands alone in the world, adorned with black and grey feathers,tail feathers in a wedge shape. Whenever it flaps its wings it creates booming thunder and forceful gales, its eyes are alight with the power of lightning, the electrical force able to be fired from the birds eyes. Used in conjunction the bird can create powerful storms, with torrential rainfall. The bird focuses on the horizon, spreads its wings and lets out an almighty cry ,”GAAAYOOO!”. The Thunder Bird has awakened.
The thunder bird looks intently into the distance, at the volcano’s. With lightning arcing forth from the great birds eyes, its flaps its wings and takes flight, its vast frame soaring in the air. As its wings move they release immense thunderclaps, which echo throughout the blackened sky. Everytime the thunder bird beats its wings it causes massive gusts which clear the cloud cover in its path. Sunlight streams forth through the fractures in the newly fragmented clouds. It is the first in millenia that the world has seen sunlight. The thunder bird continues its journey to the volcano’s, leaving a streak of blue sky, the world once again showered with the suns illumination.
For days now the thunder bird has been flying, towards the volcano’s. Finally the thunder bird can clearly see them, the spewers of toxic gas, the ravagers of the landscape. With its eyes locked in on them, the thunder bird increases its flight speed, closing in quickly. It lands a distance away from the volcano’s, resting on a mountain. Its looks skyward, firing lightning into the clouds, which forks through the cloud network. It flaps its wings rapidly, forging howling gales and releasing thunder, which echoes over the land. The thunder bird has enacted a gargantuan storm, directly above the volcano chain. As the storm rages rain begins to fall, softly at first. The downpour gradually increases in quantity, becoming biblical in scope. The rain initially dampens the volcano’s, sapping them of heat and fury. The rainfall does not stop until the volcano’s are extinguished, no longer polluting and distorting the world.
As the rain fell, the oceans and rivers were refilled, once again flowing with water. The soils were cleansed of the poisons and toxins that had infected them, as the land was once again fertile. The rain eventually came to a halt, the skies began to clear and the world was bathed in golden sunlight by day, and watched over the moon and stars during the twilight. The thunder bird watched the entire transformation from its mountain perch. Once the process was completed, it took flight and flew high into the stratosphere. It created another storm, flying into the heart of the tempest. A bolt corkscrewed from the sky, striking the bird. The bolt and the thunder bird merged together, the thunder bird returning to its electrical form before dissipating, returning to the heavens from where it had come from. If another thunder bird is ever needed, the life-force will be given to another egg, the thunder bird resurrected.
Based on the Native American myth of the Thunder Bird: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thunderbird_%28mythology%29
The “GAAAYOOO” is the noise that Zapdos makes on the Pokemon game, the legendary Thunder Bird of Kanto.
This could do with some feedback so it is particularly welcomed. I am pleased with this but some bits may be a bit iffy.
Also, if any people of Native American origin do read this, I only hope that I have done your creation proud and that I have not offended you in any way.
You painted some very strong imagery. I was wondering if you were thinking of expanding the story, there is something about it that makes the reader think that you want to add more, like there are more actions and details going on that you want to explore (I could be wrong though).
It reads third person narrative, limited knowledge, so as the events unfold the story it reads as real time. Just a thought, but maybe a bit more background information would read well in the story. Like a bit more about the world before, has it always been like this. The end explains that the thunderbird is actually thunder which has transformed itself by using the egg as a sort of “transmogrifier” in a benevolent attempt to save the world? For some reason, I think it would be nice to tie in the feeling of the original egg’s parents, perhaps the sad thoughts of the loss of their potential child or their loss of life and question as to the future of the egg. I think it would add emotions to the story and draw the reader in further. I read a bit about the thunderbird mythology. A lot of Native American stories were told as explanations, say to give reason to rain. They also give personality traits to these mythical creatures, maybe tell of the thunderbirds intention, create a bit of a personality.
These are all just thoughts (well intentioned), it is well written and does depict the events well.
Thank you for the criticism.
You know, I never thought of describing the world before. I had the thunder bird idea but I just needed a beginning so I conjured up a desolate world. The idea is good though and the more I think about it, the more then thunder birds world can be expanded. Before, during and after the initial story I could add multiple things. Thunder Bird may end up requiring its own catergory.
With the personality point, I actually debated it. I had an idea for it but I also wanted to show the thunder bird as something animalistic, something of unbridled natural power. In the end I supposed I veered over to the primevil side of things. Again, this can be worked on.
The third person, real time narrative actually was intended, as the story does not have what could be a first person observer (with everything else dead.)
Now a slightly random point:
It did not show in the first draft but I initially had a clutch of eggs, with the thunder bird egg being the sole survivor but I then altered it to show the thunder bird egg as something special, something so sublime that only one could exist. As a reader, would you prefer one egg as something utterly special or multiple eggs, with one survivor showing it is the hardiest one?
Again, thanks for the feedback and thanks for the compliments about the imagery. I am being to think I might be good at that element of writing.
When you are working on a piece, it makes sense to consider different options like you do. I don’t really do creative writing, because I used to get to attached to it as a teen, it made it hard to do revisions. It was a character flaw and I was aware of it. As a result I find it harder to criticize the works of others, I think each draft is a piece of art in and of itself.
Because when you’re writing you are the creator of the world, it’s up to you what this world is like. As a reader I am alway interested in whatever details you can provide. Even if it is primevil, the character would have emotions, they would be more basic/animalistic/undeveloped, so more emotion less cognitive thought. At least that would be how I’d imagine it.
See with a clutch of eggs you create a sense of possibility, the eggs to me would represent the hope(s) and possibilities for the world. Now if you say that there were other eggs and they were destroyed in some fashion, leaving the last egg as the most suitable one, i.e. the strongest survivor, then that’s a different story. It creates the elements of a harsh environment out to destroy all possibilities of life (inhabitants). This then pits the world environment as a knowing entity that with a malevolent intent. It really depends on how you want to broaden the story, what tone you want to take, most stories have an underlying message so that is up to you.
You really are quite good at it my friend. But having a sounding board can be helpful and provide a different perspective (that’s true for all aspects of life, no?), glad I could help in some way. I’m always here for you.
You have a gift for imagery. It’s almost like reading a detailed oil painting, if that makes any sense. Very beautiful. 🙂
Thanks for the comment. Glad you enjoyed it.
Also I am working on a second draft of this and hopefully it’ll be ready be Saturday. Hopefully. If not then it’ll be Wednesday.